The Messy Middle

You've heard this phrase - maybe it was in the 2018 book by Scott Belsky, maybe it was in one of the many podcasts that influencers like Glennon Doyle or Sara Slatterly have titled, maybe it was with a friend over coffee. This phrase encompasses volumes in just two tiny words. You've made a hard decision, and you aren't on the other side of it yet. You are in the churning, vulnerable, complicated "messy middle."

Whether for you that means figuring out how to reconfigure a marriage that has hit crisis, or whether it is how to move through divorce in a way that brings as much dignity as possible to the next chapter, know that there is hope on the other side. The power of the human spirit is formidable, particularly when we pair it with some humility that we are neither the first nor the last to have been in the same challenging position.

So, what does it take to get through this moment of transition in which you find yourself? Here are a few key things you can do to take care of yourself while you move through this time in your life:

1. Start with some compassion for yourself. Perhaps, while you are working on marriage or divorce, you find that you are functioning less fully than you're used to in keeping the house clean, in getting workouts in, in maintaining your concentration. Your brain is the organ of the body that is the most energy-demanding, and it is working overtime trying to conceptualize your future. Even if it doesn't look like you are busy - you are busy. Allow yourself the grace to not function optimally at everything while you work on this season of change.
   

2. Gather the supports you have available to you to help get you through this moment. This might be social support, where you have friends you can talk with or play soccer with. It might be instrumental support, where you can hire someone to help clean the house or join in a babysitting exchange to share childcare with others. It doesn't even have to be in your immediate context - support can even be checking out books from the library so that you are reading stories of people who have walked the path you are walking, or connecting with podcast, online groups or subReddits that help give you energy and hope.

   
   

3. Believe in your future self. You are time traveling right now towards that person. Sure, as far as we know, that is only at a rate of 1 second per second. But you are moving into the future in each moment, and you have made a decision that is unfolding. My sister told me once, before I had to go into a challenging conversation, "Think of one thing that will be on the other side of this, even if it is only that you get to lay your head on your own pillow tonight." Recognize that you are moving through a challenging time, a messy middle, and celebrate for yourself every moment that you recognize you are getting through even a small part of it.