How Do I Know if I Should Get Divorced?

People in pain often want change and fear change at the same time. The chaos of considering divorce can be enough to wake you up at night in a cold sweat. It can pull your attention from your work and your interactions with loved ones. The ambivalence of "Should I or shouldn't I?" can become the background noise of every moment, and this stage of uncertainty can be one of the hardest decision points in your life.

With this kind of pain and uncertainty it is common to seek advice from trusted others, from the Internet or AI, from anywhere that tells us they have the answers. Research tells us this desire to reduce our uncertainty is a normal human behavior that we share in common, and this drive to find certainty becomes all the more compelling to us in high-stakes situations. The uncomfortable truth is that no one has the crystal ball that can tell us what the next decision is that is right for us, no matter how well-meaning or trained they might be.

This doesn't mean that you can't rely on others to offer you support, care, and comfort. It just means that they won't know the answer to that question that's keeping you up at night. Should you get divorced? If you're grappling with that question it's time for some targeted personal reflection to build your own insight, a resource you'll need to rely on to make your decision.

Psychiatrist and interpersonal neurobiologist Dr. Dan Siegel recognizes that pairing verbal activity with the emotional experiences we have helps us to feel more calm, integrated, and regulated. Journaling can be an excellent way of forcing ourselves to put words to our experiences, putting the boundaries of words around what can be overwhelming if we only feel it. To maximize your privacy consider journaling in a password-protected document on a personal device rather than on public devices or any networked or cloud based applications. For even less digital imprint and more privacy, you can journal on paper and shred the document after you're done. The main benefit is in the act of writing, not necessarily saving what you've written.

I'll offer you a few of the first questions I ask clients when they come in for discernment sessions with me to get you started:

• What drew me to my partner was: ___________________. Over time I have come to feel: ______________.

• When I imagine a life where I stay married, what I hope for is: _______________. What I fear is: _____________.

• When I imagine a life where I get divorced, what I hope for is: _______________. What I fear is: ___________.

For each of these questions try to go as deep as you can. Don't let yourself stop at a single word or phrase, but develop at least several sentences for each part of these prompts. You are likely to be surprised at what emerges if you continue to write. While you might not have a clear answer for yourself out of your responses, what commonly happens is that you will better understand some of the factors that are important to you in your decision-making.

Just as putting words to feelings can help build insight through journaling, doing this while talking to a trusted other can also be helpful. Be mindful of who you choose to share your thoughts with, however. The motivations others have in giving us advice and the privacy boundaries they are able to share will vary widely. As much as you may wish they could, no one else can truly answer this question for you. Just know that with efforts at building your own insight, you can trust yourself to be the one person who can.